Got the laptop back. It looks great! I have a brand-new scratch-free LCD panel, a brand-new shiny back arrow key, and QWERTY imprinted on my forehead because I can't get the damn thing to boot up. It's the BIOS, I don't understand the BIOS, and I won't touch anything to do with the BIOS.
So, I'm still on the Thinkpad while my laptop sits on the floor next to me in all its black-screened glory, waiting for the bios to be...uh...whatever you do to the bios. Or whatever.