Thursday, September 12, 2013

Sugar and Spice and Everything Evil

In the last 15 hours, I looked temptation directly in the eyes and walked away. TWICE.

Short version 

I'm on a diet. I have PMS. Late last night I craved something sweet, but it had to be healthy. There was a piece of cake. There is STILL a piece of cake, but now there is one less container of yogurt in the fridge. Can I have a *cookie?

*No I cannot have a cookie.

The ridiculously dramatic unabridged version 

I want to lose a few pounds, so I am eating super healthy. But I have PMS, which ups the challenge. (Ladies, you know what I mean: "I must have chocolate, or I'll go murderous!!!"). I am also on day 3 of a modified version of the 4-day Quick-Start Sassy Water diet. One frustrating side effect of lemon water (and Sassy has a lot of lemons) is the fact that your stomach is literally growling minutes after eating. True story. I googled it.

Unlike cravings, many people feel physical hunger when they decide to embark on a lemon cleanse. People experiencing hunger should drink another glass of the lemon beverage to decrease feelings of hunger.

Last night I was craving AND hungry for something sweet. I was nervous. I had a couple things working against me: PMS and a growling stomach. Could I handle this? I had to. I had no choice.

Downstairs in the kitchen, I opened the freezer to see if there was anything in there that was healthy but would also cure my sweet tooth. I was not prepared for what I found. Inches from my face, sitting on top of a box of Special K Flatbread breakfast sandwiches - which I have been eating for breakfast - was a huge piece of cake. No attempt had been made to conceal it. Not even Saran Wrap.

My knee-jerk reaction was "OMG, CAKE!!!!!" and a happy dance. I stopped dancing. I would have to log this in the My Fitness Pal app, and I only have 400 calories to fill to reach my quota. I was already in the red for sugar by 3g (from a V8?! Wow, I coulda had a chocolate!). And this was a BIG piece of cake. Sure, I could cut it in half, but *HAHAHAHAHA!


This piece of cake was beautiful. Innocent-looking with its playful sprinkles, and sweetly seductive; this was no box cake, this was BAKERY CAKE. And it was already wearing me down with its boldness. I took it out of the freezer and looked at it. It had vanilla and chocolate cake layers. It had been professionally frosted. I felt my willpower slipping away, and... I touched it. Just a little, not enough to even make an imprint on the frosting.

Then I smelled it. I lost it. I was now trying to rationalize going for it. I thought, "It's just going to be a one night thing. The app doesn't have to know. Besides, I feel so unfulfilled. I'm constantly hungry!". And to make things worse, every night the app would berate me for not taking in enough calories. Well, this certainly would take care of that, wouldn't it? So, if I look at it that way, I was pushed into doing this!

Still, I knew afterwards I'd feel nothing but guilt and shame. How could I live with myself? How would I face the app? I couldn't keep this from it, and I'm a terrible liar! If I confessed all the sordid details into the app's "Add Snack" field, it would most certainly kill it. Not only would I be guilty of cheating, I'd be guilty of killing an innocent app that was only trying to help. I would be a horrible person.

Once I realized this was not something I could do, that there was just too much at stake for 5 minutes of pleasure (not to mention the possibility I could get heartburn), I put the cake back in the freezer and closed the door.

I looked around for something else. Something told me I wasn't safe, yet, not even close. There was something sinister lurking. I suddenly found myself dangerously close to crossing over to the Dark Side. We had cookies. BAKERY COOKIES.

Now I was just plain pissed off. I opened up the fridge, pulled out a container of yogurt, and mixed in some Kashi cereal. I had won the battle.

This morning, I had to go back to war. I had to summon all my strength before heading downstairs, because, dammit, my stomach was growling again.

In order to get to the breakfast sandwiches, I'd have to confront the cake, again. To get through, I'd have to move quickly. Pick up the cake, grab the sandwich, throw the cake back, and get the hell out. Then I had to get past the cookies to cook it.

My God, this was Scylla and Charybdis!!!!!!

I took a deep breath and went in. Surprisingly, I got the sandwich out without a problem on the first try. But as I walked to the microwave, I could hear the Sirens' call. I ignored them as best as I could. "I am not going to be lured in, sugar.".

Ninety agonizing seconds later, the microwave finally beeped, I pulled out the sandwich, and teleported upstairs; I couldn't eat that close to enemy territory.

Another battle won, but I can't be smug. The war has just begun.

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