Thursday, November 3, 2005

Poker? I don't even know her!

Yadda Yadda Yadda...Blog Blog Blog

I've done my research for this one, my friends. I have a poker theme going here for ya. I have played some, but am by no means an expert. So I was gonna do this really cool thing and write in all poker jargon and metaphors and such, but I didn't know enough of the lingo. So I looked up poker sites on the net. I realized that my first idea was idiotic, pretty much right away, but I expanded on a thought I've had before using my newfound vocabulary. Poker terminology can be divided into categories. And here they are:

Drugs: toke, pot, trips, hit, crack, cut, deal, steal, roll, rush, wired, chips (you know, for the "munchies"), and now "family pot" makes me wonder what trailer park inspired this.

Good Sex: stud, raise, flush, big slick, straddle, dominated hand, hold 'em, pocket rockets, leg up, exposed, split, spread, squeeze, suck out, two pair (woo-hoo!)

Bad Sex: flop, back door flush (heh-heh, heh-heh), nut flush (heh-heh, heh-heh)

Solo Sex:, unpaired, come hand, dead hand (hate when that happens!), wake up with a hand (especially after a night of heavy drinking and you don't remember which hand it was)

Violent Crime: limp in, bad beat, under the gun, deck, kill, kill blind (poor guy never saw it comin'), missed blind ( luckily for the blind guy the guy had bad aim), lock up ( Jeesh, if ANYONE deserves to be somebody's bitch for 5 to 10, it's the guy who commits assault and battery on blind people...) ,steal, suicide king, kicker, busted hand, table cop (whew! Thank God for those!), weak, aggressive, shoot out

Laundry: fold, suit, okay boring

Nice places to meditate: rainbow, berry patch, river, coffee house, rock garden

Cartoon Superheroes Underdog (ah, shoe shine boy...there's no need to fear!)

Okay, now put yourself in my brain and see if the following make any sense. To me. I call this section (drums, please!):

What the hell does this sentence mean? My interpretations:

1."Susie outran my set when her flush card hit on the river."

Just plain "HUH???"

2."I wouldn't have called with that hand, except that I was on the button."

So what hand would he have called her with? Does one of his hands not work? And is "button" another name for "toilet"? Oooooooh, maybe that's it. It would be rude to call with his wiping hand.

3."When I called his all-in bet, I didn't realize he had made trips, but I was lucky enough to draw out on him with my backdoor flush."

Okay, so when this dude called this other guy's all-in bet (that part I get), he didn't realize the guy had gone on vacation, but he was able to draw him back with the promise of an enema.

4."I missed my pre-flop raise, and lost the hand when the big blind made a gutshot on the river."

Ooooooh, boy. Here goes. Well, missing the pre-flop raise happens to a lot of guys. They make a little blue pill for that. But as for "losing the hand" when the fat blind guy puked in the river? I doubt that would be anybody's masturbatory fantasy.

5."We don't spread high only stud"

Something a flight attendant for Hooters Airlines might say...

6."I was doing well earlier, but my stacks have been dwindling. Pre flop it was fine."

Again, little blue pill. It happens to most men as they age.

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